Masochist. That’s one way I can define the way I am sometimes and the hurt I inflict upon my bleeding heart. I walk in this world wearing my heart on my sleeve, which is either intense vulnerability or just plain masochism.
Some friendships (and more than just friendships) have been lost due to my self-inflicted masochistic ways. Intense satisfaction in knowing that I am the one who is hurt, just so I can have the intense story to tell afterwards. I’ve given up too much of my time, money, and tears to unfruitful friendships/relationships. What is wrong with me? Is something wrong with me?
I think deep about this a lot, but then I realize, is this always a bad thing? I hurt myself often because I care too often and have emotions. I’ve encountered many people in my 27.5 years of life, a lot of them are not so in touch with their feelings and emotions. Many people I have encountered put up walls and aren’t authentic. I know, it does hurt intensely when I’m let down and a friendship/relationship ends, but it’s worth it because I grow a little stronger, learn a little more about myself, and I’m able to feel. I’m able to feel joy and happiness when I need to and not take the bullshit that gets thrown my way.
I recently watched Inside Out (Disney movie that everyone should watch). I immediately started to reflect on it while I was watching it (and during the second time I was watching it). I started to think about how I wasn’t allowed to feel pain or cry when I was younger. Now, I’m not like that. I put myself out there and allow myself to get hurt because that’s when I learn the most. I cry when I want to, I laugh when I feel like it, and I just experience everything as it comes. I’ve dealt with a lot of things these past few years, so I think my resilience armor has been built strong so that I’m not ignoring or numbing emotions anymore, but I’m able to work through them (sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much, but that’s okay). So, in the movie, the character of Joy continues to push Sadness aside in hopes that Sadness will not interrupt any “core memories” within their human, Riley. In turn, this causes emotional chaos with Riley’s emotions and things go haywire for a little. It isn’t until Joy realizes Sadness needs to take over the main controls that new memories, good and joyful memories, can be made. In training in my job, we recently discussed vulnerability in-depth.
With this, I’m learning that my character, motivations, drive, and aspirations are directed by my emotional states and my want to be happy, whatever that means. So, when I say I’m a masochist, I often think about the times I feel very hurt (that stabbing pain in the heart or gut). But, I often think about how with that hurt and pain (and sadness), comes the moments when I meet new people and do new things while learning and growing.
So, I wear my heart on my sleeves and I try to present as much of my authentic self, in hopes that people will be okay with that. So far, I think most people are okay with that, and those that aren’t, have walked away from me. That’s okay. That’s part of the process and a simple part of life. Not everyone is meant to be in my life or to stay in it long-term.
So the big question: Why do I take pleasure in the pain that I often feel? Answer: I know that if I can take pleasure in this pain I feel, I can flip that around to feel the intense pleasure that it feels when things are going right, when friendships are made, when good times are had.
A few months back, I had an epiphany on life. I thought about and reflected on the fact that there are not many moments we feel alive. For me, intense pain is one of those moments I feel so alive (and when I go sky diving). I allow myself to sit in the feelings and emotions and to figure out how I’m going to get out of these feelings to return to the happy and joyful feelings I usually embody.
So, I guess I’m a masochist. I take intense pleasure in the pain that life deals out to me. But, I do it in hopes to build resilience and build myself up so that I can enjoy fully those moments that take your (my) breath away.
**Note to Reader: So, this came out of me fining out something I didn’t mean to go looking for, but found anyway. Translation: I found out who the guy I thought I was “more than friends with” but was “just friends” with in the end is dating, which is why we immediately stopped talking to each other the moment I found out. Moral of the story: don’t waste your time on those who won’t waste their time on you. But, feel freely and be open to getting hurt. Be vulnerable. It’s the way we learn and grow. I wouldn’t trade my experiences of heartache and angst for anything else. Sorry I’m not sorry for my rambling story above that may not make sense to anyone but myself.